You Should Have Another One!

March 24, 2011

I’ve been told this many times recently. My daughter is three years old and people, mostly strangers, who meet my daughter, feel it’s time for me to get pregnant again and bring into the world another child…

I loved being pregnant even if I had a high risk pregnancy. I had gestational diabetes and my daughter tested positive for down syndrome and other genetic diseases after the Triple Marker Test. We still chose not to do an amniocentesis because by then I was already six months along and we felt no matter what, we would have our child. Maybe it was scary to our family that we never had an amniocentesis – both my husband and I felt that our daughter was fine and she was. She came out at 6 lbs, 6 ounces and was 19 inches long. While I had the natural birth I wanted – no medication and also no tearing – I only pushed 5 times for 20 minutes, I certainly wasn’t ready for motherhood.

I wasn’t ready to nurse. Because I had only gained 18 lbs during my pregnancy and was underweight after giving birth, my milk did not immediately come in. I was on a very limited diet during my pregnancy because of my gestational diabetes. A slice of lemon spiked up my sugars so high that only an hour walk would lower it. Eventually, I had to take pills to regulate my insulin levels. Most of the early pictures of our daughter is with her mouth open, trying to find food. She was hungry and would cry because I wasn’t giving her enough nourishment. I quickly went on an eating frenzy to get myself full of healthy fats. I averaged eating 6 full meals, a lot of snacks, and 5 lbs bag of pistachios a day to put fat on my petit frame. My husband was shocked when I ate food off his plate instead of vis versa.

I don’t know if I am ready to prick my fingers 8 times a day to test my sugars. I don’t know if I am ready to go on daily doctors appointments and twice weekly hospital visits, which I had to in the last month of my pregnancy. I don’t know if I am ready to cry at the possibility of my child not being well because of my physical limitations. I loved being pregnant. It just wasn’t easy.

I loved watching my belly grow and for the first time in a long time, not care that I didn’t have a flat stomach – oh the release of vanity! I loved learning about how my daughter was the size of a kidney bean, and then a peanut, and then a small orange.  I loved feeling her kick and all the gymnastics that went on towards the last leg of my pregnancy. I loved talking to her and telling her all of my secret wishes for us. I loved her inside me and nurturing her as best I could. Other than the gestational diabetes and positive genetic diseases, my pregnancy was easy – I did get nauseous, not greatly. I did continue to run until I was seven months along and then walk and hike until I gave birth. I did continue to travel and see the world.

I also don’t know if I can be the mom I want to be with two children. I have a hard enough time focusing on my daughter and husband at the same time. I tend to focus on our daughter and he feels left out. I feel I would be spread too thin if I had another love in my life. I know our cat feels neglected by me. Luckily, our cat has a strong friendship with Mishy.

I do think about my daughter when she’s older. Will she be lonely later in life? Who will she talk to and complain about her crazy parents with? Who will she mourn with when we are gone?

You should have another one! I don’t know if I should. I don’t know if we will. I do know I enjoy being with my daughter and I feel blessed to have her in my life. That’s enough for me right now. And my husband? He’s okay with how things are right now. And our daughter? While she loves having her friends over, she is also very content when they go home.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: