When Is A RSVP A RSVP?

March 24, 2011

I organize outings. Before my daughter was born, I didn’t organize outings for others. I was busy focused on my career or watching television. Just before my daughter came into this world, community became extremely important to me and we moved into a place where we no longer had free cable. Once my daughter was born, I wanted to be surrounded by as many parents as possible to share our experiences as new parents. I started a yahoo group – Natural Parenting LA – so we could have playdates and discussions on certain parental philosophies and as part of the yahoo group, I started organizing outings – nature walks by Children’s Nature Institute, animal rescue visits to The Gentle Barn, a whale watching excursion that my daughter slept in on the day so we missed, but later joined another group to see dolphins and whales. I enjoyed getting thank yous and meeting more moms whom I felt I didn’t need to explain why I’ve chosen to parent the way I parent – Attachment Parenting – and just commiserate about this new and slightly ill fitting identity we had taken on as parents.

This past week, I have been busy organizing three Matzah Factory tours – it’s almost Passover – a whale watching trip, two animal rescue visits, and three horseback riding classes. These outings have attracted over 350 people and I haven’t even begun to post about the field trips to the animal rescues. Clearly, my daughter and I will not be attending all of them. So why am I on this organizing frenzy? Because people have asked and I’m beginning to realize there is a huge need inside me to please. Yes, I am a people pleaser. Terrible. Terrible. I might as well be a dog panting by your leg even after you’ve kicked me. I feel that way sometimes – especially after I get emails which challenges my need to be so accommodating.

The first series of emails was from a homeschooling mother who first asked me what happens if the tour is cancelled – it won’t be – and if she doesn’t show up, who keeps her money – the factory – and then wanted to find out when it was the last day possible to send me a check just in case she wants to cancel her participation in the outing. I told her I didn’t know when the last day is because the tour was filling up fast. She wrote me back wanting to know the numbers of the tour and to see if she could send me a money order. As anyone who has read ads on Craigslist knows – do not accept a money order. Luckily, the tour did fill up before I had a chance to respond to her last request. I just wrote back to her letting her know it’s full, overly full. Maybe not the bravest thing to do but certainly honest and polite.

Another series of challenging emails was from a mother who said she hadn’t RSVPed before because in her eyes when she wrote me last with the number in her party, that wasn’t a RSVP. It’s only when she sends a check to me that it becomes a RSVP. I know when you make a reservation at a restaurant, you don’t send them a check to make a reservation. Yet, airlines consistently overbook flights knowing people tend to cancel or not show up. Do I need to start overly booking my field trips? Do I need to start thinking of written RSVPs as passe and only hard cash makes it a real RSVP? When do I start trusting someone’s words?

The thing that challenges me the most is – where’s the appreciation? Especially by other mothers who know we get very little appreciation in society. I get thank yous but then I also get more requests to make other people’s lives easier. Do I need to start thinking about me and only me – well, only me, my daughter, my husband and our cat? Or just start adding names of people I do not want on any of my outings on a list because they bug me? I’m half joking… What happened to the community I was looking for or is this it and I’ve come to realize I don’t want to be a part of it because I don’t have the time to answer everyone’s emails? I’m half joking again…

(These challenging emails are the exception.) Maybe I just need to start setting limits with some of the parents in a way that is firm but kind…

I’ve been told this many times recently. My daughter is three years old and people, mostly strangers, who meet my daughter, feel it’s time for me to get pregnant again and bring into the world another child…

I loved being pregnant even if I had a high risk pregnancy. I had gestational diabetes and my daughter tested positive for down syndrome and other genetic diseases after the Triple Marker Test. We still chose not to do an amniocentesis because by then I was already six months along and we felt no matter what, we would have our child. Maybe it was scary to our family that we never had an amniocentesis – both my husband and I felt that our daughter was fine and she was. She came out at 6 lbs, 6 ounces and was 19 inches long. While I had the natural birth I wanted – no medication and also no tearing – I only pushed 5 times for 20 minutes, I certainly wasn’t ready for motherhood.

I wasn’t ready to nurse. Because I had only gained 18 lbs during my pregnancy and was underweight after giving birth, my milk did not immediately come in. I was on a very limited diet during my pregnancy because of my gestational diabetes. A slice of lemon spiked up my sugars so high that only an hour walk would lower it. Eventually, I had to take pills to regulate my insulin levels. Most of the early pictures of our daughter is with her mouth open, trying to find food. She was hungry and would cry because I wasn’t giving her enough nourishment. I quickly went on an eating frenzy to get myself full of healthy fats. I averaged eating 6 full meals, a lot of snacks, and 5 lbs bag of pistachios a day to put fat on my petit frame. My husband was shocked when I ate food off his plate instead of vis versa.

I don’t know if I am ready to prick my fingers 8 times a day to test my sugars. I don’t know if I am ready to go on daily doctors appointments and twice weekly hospital visits, which I had to in the last month of my pregnancy. I don’t know if I am ready to cry at the possibility of my child not being well because of my physical limitations. I loved being pregnant. It just wasn’t easy.

I loved watching my belly grow and for the first time in a long time, not care that I didn’t have a flat stomach – oh the release of vanity! I loved learning about how my daughter was the size of a kidney bean, and then a peanut, and then a small orange.  I loved feeling her kick and all the gymnastics that went on towards the last leg of my pregnancy. I loved talking to her and telling her all of my secret wishes for us. I loved her inside me and nurturing her as best I could. Other than the gestational diabetes and positive genetic diseases, my pregnancy was easy – I did get nauseous, not greatly. I did continue to run until I was seven months along and then walk and hike until I gave birth. I did continue to travel and see the world.

I also don’t know if I can be the mom I want to be with two children. I have a hard enough time focusing on my daughter and husband at the same time. I tend to focus on our daughter and he feels left out. I feel I would be spread too thin if I had another love in my life. I know our cat feels neglected by me. Luckily, our cat has a strong friendship with Mishy.

I do think about my daughter when she’s older. Will she be lonely later in life? Who will she talk to and complain about her crazy parents with? Who will she mourn with when we are gone?

You should have another one! I don’t know if I should. I don’t know if we will. I do know I enjoy being with my daughter and I feel blessed to have her in my life. That’s enough for me right now. And my husband? He’s okay with how things are right now. And our daughter? While she loves having her friends over, she is also very content when they go home.